Rabbi Doniel Staum, LMSW
Rabbi, Kehillat New Hempstead
Rebbe/Guidance Counselor – ASHAR
Principal – Ohr Naftoli- New Windsor
STAM
TORAH
PARSHAS
SHEMOS 5776
“WHAT CHARACTER”
Rabbi Baruch Diamond, the Rosh Kollel of
Yeshiva Shor Yoshuv in Far Rockaway, NY, is a beloved Rebbe. Some years ago a young
woman who was ‘in shidduchim’ and was close with his family asked him if he
could look into a yeshiva student who was suggested to her. Rabbi Diamond
decided that instead of meeting with him for a few minutes, he would invite him
to his home for a Shabbos meal.
That Shabbos the young man joined the Diamond
family for the Shabbos day meal. When Rabbi Diamond began singing zemiros, the
yeshiva student picked up his fork and spoon and began drumming rhythmically on
the table. A few minutes later Rabbi Diamond took out a bottle of schnapps and
offered the yeshiva student to ‘make a l’chaim’. The yeshiva student filled up
his shot glass and promptly downed the contents in one gulp. He complimented
the taste of the schnapps as he filled up his cup for a second time and
proceeded to down another shot in one gulp. He took a third shot, and then a
fourth.
After Shabbos when the girl called his home
to find out about her potential suitor, Rabbi Diamond told her to call back
later. He wanted to discuss the matter with his illustrious Rebbe, Rabbi
Avrohom Pam zt’l. When Rabbi Diamond recounted the events, Rabbi Pam wasn’t
bothered by the fact that he drummed along loudly with the beat. Perhaps he had
just gotten into it. However, when he
was told that the yeshiva student had drank four shots of schnapps, Rabbi Pam
asked Rabbi Diamond if he served the boy each shot or if he had placed the
bottle in the middle of the table. Rabbi Diamond replied that he had left the
bottle for self-service. “In that case,” replied Rabbi Pam, “tell her not to date
him.”
Rabbi Diamond was confident that Rabbi
Pam’s decision was based on the fact that the yeshiva boy had drunk so much but
he asked his Rebbe just to be sure. Rabbi Pam’s response was brilliantly
insightful. “Everyone knows that schnapps is expensive. The fact that he drank
four shots without asking you if you mind demonstrates that he is insensitive
to your money. If someone does not consider someone else’s money, he will also
not adequately consider the honor of his wife. Therefore, at the present time
that yeshiva student is not ready for marriage.”[1]
The young life of the future consummate
leader of Klal Yisroel was nothing short of incredible. After being rescued
from the perils of the Nile by Pharaoh’s own daughter, Moshe was raised in the palace of Pharaoh
himself, before being forced to escape Egypt
A newcomer to the town, Moshe watched as a
band of shepherds began harassing a group of women – sisters, who had gathered
at the well to draw water for their sheep. Moshe immediately came to the aid of
the women by chasing away the shepherds.
When the sisters arrived home, their father
Yisro asked them why they had come home earlier than usual. “They replied, ‘An
Egyptian man saved us from the shepherds, and he even drew water for us and
watered the sheep.’ He said to his daughters, ‘Then where is he? Why did you
leave the man? Summon him and let him eat bread![2]”
Rashi explains that the word ‘bread’ is
metaphoric for marriage. Yisro was telling his daughters that they should not
have allowed this good-hearted individual to leave because he was worthy to
marry one of them.
Onkelos however understands Yisro’s words
literally. After a stranger had done them such a favor how could they not repay
him? Where was their sense of appreciation? Why had they not immediately
invited him to eat a bread meal with their family?
Rabbi Gamliel Rabinowitz shlita[3]
notes that ‘hakaras hatov’[4]
was one of the hallmarks of Yisro’s character. The gemara (Sotah 11a) notes
that Pharaoh had three chief advisors with whom he consulted about their burgeoning
‘Jewish problem’: Yisro, Iyov, and Bila’am. Bila’am maligned the Jews, while
Yisro defended them, citing the great contributions of Joseph to the Egyptian
economy. Iyov remained silent. Because Yisro had spoken in defense of the Jews
he was forced to flee the country, leaving behind his wealth and prestige, to
become a fugitive. The gemarah records that in the merit of Yisro’s valiant
defense of the Jewish people, he merited that his descendants served as members
of the Sanhedrin, the seventy-two member foremost halachic judiciary authority.
Yisro’s unwillingness to participate in Egypt Egypt
Moshe agreed to marry Ziporah because he
recognized not only Ziporah’s greatness and sterling character, but also of her
father who taught it to her.
In seeking a partner for marriage there is
nothing more important than checking into one’s character traits. There are
many other petty external details that people sometimes get hooked up on. But
ultimately the most important barometer for the success of a marriage lies in
the personalities and character traits of the prospective spouses.
The greatest fear of each of the patriarchs
was that their sons not marry a Canaanite woman, for the Canaanites were people
of ignoble character. When Avrohom dispatched Eliezer to find a wife for
Yitzchok he specifically instructed him that if all he could find was a
Canaanite woman, he was absolved of his mission, as the verse states, “Avrohom
answered him, ‘beware not to return my son there.[5]”
The Rambam[6]
records a lengthy discussion about character traits. In it he discusses the
importance of knowing how to act in different situations, the need for different
character traits at different times, how one can improve his innate character
traits, and the danger of one who does not work on improving his character
traits. The Rambam titles this treatise “Hilchos De’os – the laws of
knowledge/opinions”.
Rabbi Avigdor Miller zt’l explains that the
fact that the Rambam labeled this section ‘Hilchos De’os’ and not the more expected
“Hilchos Middos – the laws of character traits” teaches us an integral lesson:
A person develops his opinions and outlook of life based on his natural
character traits!
For example, a person who is naturally lazy
will rationalize that taking things slowly and not becoming too excited is a
positive character trait. He may convince himself that he is not actually lazy,
and besides there are worse character traits than being a bit sluggish. The
person may be very intelligent, but he may still fail to recognize his glaring
shortcoming, because he is blinded by his negative character trait.
This concept holds true for all character
traits. Thus, before a person can contemplate the validity of his opinions and
beliefs, he must first consider the source of his character. He must be
brutally honest with himself in contemplating whether his character traits are
as they should be or if he needs to work on improving himself. But if one is
unable to see the detriment and fault of his own character, he will hardly be
able to recognize the fallacy of his beliefs which are rooted in his
personality and character.
The Rambam brilliantly alludes to this
concept by naming his discussion about character traits “the Laws of beliefs.”
George Bernard Shaw once quipped regarding
marriage: “When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most illusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to
swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.”
How can one ever know if he/she should
agree to commit to another person for the rest of his/her life, to share dreams
and passions, and to build a family together? Undoubtedly we all pray for
Divine Assistance. But the most we can do is analyze the character and
personality of a potential spouse.
Moshe merited becoming our foremost leader,
not only because of his integrity, virtuousness, and righteousness, but also
because of his sterling character. When he stood before G-d Moshe was the
humblest of men with awe etched on his face. But when he was instructed to
appear before Pharaoh, gone was his humility and meekness. He stood before
Pharaoh with a holy arrogance and unwaveringness towards his mission, without a
trace of fear. When Moshe witnessed the servitude and oppression of his
brethren he could not bear to see their suffering. His compassion towards his
fellow Jews aroused within him zealousness and chutzpah to kill an Egyptian.
Yet despite his love for his people, he uninhibitedly chastised a Jew who was
hitting another Jew.
Moshe is not only our teacher in the sense
that he transmitted and taught us Torah, but also as our example of how we can
become leaders as well. Leadership is not only a matter of insight and wisdom;
it is also a matter of integrity, compassion, humility, appreciation, love, and
zealousness – and knowing how to utilize each trait properly.
“Beware not to return my son there”
“Then where is he? Summon him and let him
eat bread!”
[1] Heard from
Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein (torahanytime.com)
[2] Shemos
2:19-20
[3] Tiv
HaTorah, Shemos
[4] Hakaras
hatov literally means ‘recognizing the good’ but it also refers to expressing
one’s appreciation for the good which they have recognized.
[5] Bereishis
24:6
[6] In Mishnah
Torah, Sefer Maddah
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