STAM
TORAH
PARSHAS
KI SETZEI 5779
“SELFLESS
TAKING”[1]
The Latest Marriage Fad: Marrying
Yourself[2]
May 20, 2017 by Rabbi Benjamin Blech
…Its name is sologamy – and it means
getting married to yourself.
In this sad, new trend of sologamy,
people commit themselves to themselves with their own wedding ceremony. These
celebrants, such as self-styled "sologamist" Erika Anderson, throw on
a white gown, invite their close friends and family and marry themselves in a
legally nonbinding way. As Houston's KHOU, CBS Philly, the Telegraph UK, and
others are reporting, people are forgoing typical white dress-black tux
nuptials with a partner in favor of a celebration of all things solo.
The happy bride or groom claim it's not
so much meant to be a narcissistic affair but rather a day meant to celebrate
"returning to your own happiness and contentment," as Sophie Tanner
in the U.K. told the Telegraph.
Gone are the days that marriage meant a
wedding between two people. After all, in the age of narcissism gone wild how
could anyone be expected to pledge love and commitment to another person who
assuredly is inferior?...
As it has been beautifully pointed out,
in the word “wedding”, “we” comes before “I”. We as a unit, we as partners, we
who care about each other at least as much as we care about our own selves
recognize that for marriage to fulfill a longing for happiness we must be
prepared to exchange narcissism for love and worship of the self for affection
for another.
What is destroying marriages today is not
the absence of love but its misdirection.
Narcissists have an abundance of love – but unfortunately, they choose to
shower it only upon themselves. And a world which brings up its children to
believe that they alone matter will make it almost impossible for their progeny
to participate in the give-and-take relationship of successful marriages.
Marrying yourself is just an isolated
fad, but getting married to another and thinking only of yourself ever after is
becoming more and more of a tragic reality.
At every Jewish wedding, the chosson places
a ring on his kallah’s finger and declares, “You should be sanctified to me
with this ring, according to the law of Moshe and Yisroel.” In doing so, he is
marrying his wife with the process of “kedushei kesef” - acquiring his
wife through giving her money, or something of monetary value.
The Torah never states how one acquires
a wife. It only states “When one will take a wife…”[3], which the gemara[4] explains is a reference to
‘taking her in marriage. The gemara notes that the biblical source that money
can be used for kiddushin is based on a “gezeirah shava”[5]. When Avrohom Avinu was
purchasing Me’aras Hamachpeilah from Ephron, he declared, “I have given the
money for the field, take it from me.” Since the Torah uses the word “take”
regarding Avrohom’s acquisition which he accomplished by paying money, we understand
that when the Torah uses the word “take” regarding marriage (taking a wife), that
can also be accomplished by him giving her money.
It is intriguing that the source for
the most prevalent form of marriage – giving the woman something of value – is from
Avrohom purchasing a burial plot for his beloved wife from a notorious swindler.
What message about marriage can we glean from that peculiar source?
Throughout parshas Ki Setzei there are
numerous unions and marriages mentioned, and each one seems more disastrous
than the next. The Torah speaks of the man who maligned his wife, the
unfaithful wife, a woman who was seduced or raped, and a woman of ill repute.
The Torah also lists those who cannot marry a Jew, including a mamzer, a man
from the nations of Moav or Amon, etc. Even when the Torah finally speaks of a
man marrying a woman, the pasuk concludes by talking about him discovering
something abhorrent and deciding to divorce her.[6]
The only “happy husband” in the parsha
is the man who has been married for less than a year and is therefore sent home
from the battlefront.
It is clear that parshas Ki Setzei is
not the source of happy marriages, despite the fact that it is the source of
many of the laws of marriage. Happy marriages were mentioned in Chumash Bereishis.
Immediately after creating Adam and Chava, the Torah speaks of the goal of
marriage: “Therefore, a man should forsake his father and his mother, and cling
to his wife, and they will be as one flesh.”[7]
[It should be noted that in his
commentary, Onkelos translates this pasuk: “Therefore, a man should forsake the
sleeping place of his father and mother, and cling to his wife…” Onkelos is
stressing that when one gets married he leaves the confines of his parent’s
home, but he does not, and must not, sever the connection with those who selflessly
raised him and provided for his every need until he married.]
Rav Tzvi Sobolofsky[8] explains that the very
first “troubled marriage” mentioned in parshas Ki Setzei is the one mentioned
at the beginning of the parsha – “the eishes yefes to’ar”. A man in the heat of battle sees a beautiful
woman and is entranced by her beauty. The Torah details the process she must
undergo before he is able to marry her.
Although, after that process he is
permitted to marry her, Chazal warn that things are not going to end well. The
marriage is likely to be full of enmity, which will likely produce a rebellious
and disobedient child.[9]
Such a marriage is doomed to failure because
it flies in the face of the Torah’s ideal for marriage. An ideal marriage is
when the priority is “we” and not “me”. When marriage is predicated on lust and
selfish taking, it is practically doomed from the outset.
In the Hollywood world, the concepts
of love and lust are used interchangeably. But in truth, there is a world of
difference between them. We lust objects, but we love partners. Lust wanes with
time and familiarity, while love grows as a relationship deepens. One who is in
lust is thinking only of himself, while one who is in love is prioritizing the other.
Lust is about taking; love is about giving!
A soldier on the battlefield can
become self-absorbed in the passion of the moment and consumed with lust. The
Torah lays out a process which he must undergo, which forces him to delay
acting on his desire for instant gratification. As that process unfolds, he can
reflect and realize whether he truly loves her or whether this is a selfish
endeavor which will not end well.
What is the antidote to selfish marriage?
The marriage of Avrohom and Sarah. Avrohom and Sarah are the paragons of chesed,
living their entire lives to give and help others. The reality is that even
chesed can have selfish motives, such as a desire for accolades or reciprocal
acts of kindness. The ultimate altruistic chesed is when one gives and knows
that he will never receive anything in return. That is what is referred to as chesed
shel emes – kindness of truth, such as when one is involved in burying another,
knowing that the deceased will never be able to repay him for being involved in
the incredible mitzvah of his burial.
When Avrohom purchased Me’aras
Hamachpeilah, it was to bury Sarah. Avrohom went to great lengths and spent
incredible amount of money so that his deceased wife would have the ultimate
honor in death. That act was indicative of the unparalleled chesed they
displayed to each other throughout their married lives together.
That is the lesson the Torah is
teaching us by connecting marriage with Avrohom giving money to purchase a
burial plot for Sarah. Marriage is about selflessness and giving on the highest
level.
The Mishna[10] notes that a wife is
often referred to as one’s “bayis – house”. Rabbi Reuven Feinstein notes[11] that when spelled out ‘bayis’
also refers to the second letter of the aleph bais. Chazal relate that the
Torah begins with the letter bais because it is closed on all sides except
going outward. This is symbolic of the fact that we should not ponder what
happened before creation, but we should instead place our focus on the world
since then.
So too, if one wants to have a
nurturing and positive relationship with his spouse, he must learn to focus on
the future, and not harp and be resentful over previous disagreements. When spouses
keep a virtual score card of how much each had done, it doesn’t bode well for
their marriage. [12]
Marriage is about giving with love and
devotion. Every married couple has the choice to build marriages such as those
in parshas Ki Setzei, which are doomed to misery and frustration. Or they can
build a marriage predicated upon chesed like that of Avrohom and Sarah, which
offers fulfillment and growth.
To build a bayis ne’eman[13]
one has to adopt the approach of the “bais”, always looking towards the future
as an opportunity for growth and love.
“When one will take a wife”
“I have given the money for the field,
take it from me.”
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW
Rebbe/Guidance Counselor – Heichal HaTorah
Principal – Ohr Naftoli- New Windsor
[1] Adapted
from the derasha delivered at Kehillat New Hempstead, Shabbos Kodesh parshas Ki
Setzei 5777, in honor of the Sheva Berachos of Gary and Aliza (Brinn) Liebman.
[2] From
Aish.com
[3] Devorim
24:1
[4] Kiddushin
2a
[5] An exegetical
principle in which the Torah uses identical terminology in two different
locations, which demonstrates a connection between them.
[6] When the
Torah speaks about yibum (if a man died childless, his brother has a mitzvah to
marry the widow), it mentions the possibility of chalitzah (the process in which
the living brother rejects the union with his former sister-in-law).
[7]
Bereishis 2:24
[8][8] Rabbi,
Ohr Torah, Bergenfield, NJ; Rosh Yeshiva – YU
[9] Chazal derive
this negative progression from the fact that the following two topics discussed
are about one who hates his wife (although her son is his firstborn) and the ben
sorer u’moreh - rebellious and wayward son.
[10] Yoma
1:1
[11] Divrei
Sholom: A Torah Guide to a Peaceful Life
[12] Rabbi Feinstein
notes that Hashem forgives us utilizing this same approach. When we beg forgiveness
each year, He could reason that we begged forgiveness for the same sins last year,
and yet have committed them again. But instead He hearkens to since repentance and
allows us to begin anew each year, despite numerous previous failings and
coming up short of our goals.
[13] The customary
blessing given to a chosson and kallah is that they build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel
– a faithful home amongst the Jewish people.
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