Rabbi
Doniel Staum, LMSW
Rabbi,
Kehillat New Hempstead
Social
Worker, Yeshiva Bais Hachinuch/Ashar
STAM
TORAH
PARSHAS
KI SETZEI
“THE
GREATEST GIFT”
“The
greatest gift you can give your child is the love you give your spouse! The
harmony and security created in a home that contains peace and harmony is the
most nurturing environment for a child.
“At times, my children have asked me, “Totty (Father), who
do you love more, me or Mommy?” Without hesitation I answer, “What’s the
question; Mommy, of course!” The child then usually grins because he appreciates
that response, and he intuitively feels that it is correct.
“I
remember once sitting at a Sheva Berachos[1]
while one of the speakers was describing the bliss and beauty of marriage in
very glowing and enamoring terms. It turned my stomach because I felt - as I
often do - that people mislead a new bride and groom about what marriage is
really about. A famous Rosh Yeshiva was sitting next to me and he whispered to
me, “Get up and tell them the truth!”
“On
one occasion I indeed got up to speak and said, “Rabbosai![2]
The truth is that marriage is hard work! From beginning until the end, and all
the time in between, it’s hard work. The sooner one embraces and comprehends
that fact, the sooner one can develop genuine love and happiness. But if one
enters a marriage naively thinking that all will be blissful and fantastical,
there is something inherently wrong with the fabric of that marriage.
“Of
course marriage can be wonderful and sublime but only when it is bound to
effort and work. Hard work and devotion brings love and goodness; romance is
nonsense and void. Real love only increases and improves the longer one is
married. At the wedding, spouses do not truly love each other, though they may
think they do. It takes a lot of work before one can achieve a true level and
experience of love.”[3]
The passage about the Ben Sorrer U’moreh, the rebellious and wayward son, is one of the
most unusual passages in the Torah. In order to properly comprehend the laws
regarding the Ben Sorrer U’moreh,
there are two points that must be understood. Firstly, the death penalty that
is imposed on the child is not because of the gravity of the sins he has committed,
but because, based on his behavior up to this point, the Torah guarantees that
he will degenerate into a terrible person as he ages[4].
The second point is that there are so many
precise requirements necessary in order to declare a child a Ben Sorer
Umoreh that it is virtually impossible for such a scenario to ever evolve. The
commentators explain that this passage is only recorded in the Torah as an
implied primer for parents on how to - and how not to - inculcate values and morals
into their children.
The verse says that the parents will bring
their son to the elders of the city and declare before them, “This son of ours
is wayward and rebellious; aynenu shomaya
b’kolaynu - he does not hearken to our voice; he is a glutton and a
drunkard.” The word “kolaynu- our
voice” is written in the singular, our voice, rather than the plural, our
voices. This suggests that the two parents speak with a single voice, agreeing
on all issues regarding their rambunctious son.
A few verses earlier however, it says, “He
does not listen to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother.[5]”
Here two separate voices are mentioned, implying that there is disharmony and
discord between them.
Rabbi Dovid Feinstein shlita[6]
suggests that a child is more likely to be defiant regarding issues he knows
his parents disagree about. He is intuitive enough to realize the discord
between them in those matters and he will capitalize on it and exacerbate their
disagreement to his benefit. When the child develops into a deviant and defiant
youth, it will then become clear that the lack of unity between the parents was
at the root of the child’s waywardness. Even though they will then realize that
they must develop a united front, it may be too late to repair the irrevocable
damage that their discord bred. At that point, it may become necessary for them
to seek outside guidance in order to rectify the situation.
The Commentators note that this idea is
also alluded to in the peculiar requirement that in order for the child to be
deemed a Ben Sorrer U’moreh both
parents must have similar voices. In other words they must speak to him with a
united front and not contradict each other in regard to their expectations of
their children. Consistency and constancy are two of the most important
components in the development of a vibrant home.
To create a stable marriage, one needs
patience, devotion, and an uncompromising will to make it work. For two
different people with diverse viewpoints and ideas about everything to build a
home together is virtually impossible without that commitment (and a dose of
Divine Assistance). Our Sages teach that the ultimate purpose of marriage is to
perfect ourselves through self-sacrifice. The irony is that when we force
ourselves to be selfless we benefit most from it, psychologically and
spiritually.
When I was engaged, one of the Rabbeim in
Yeshiva candidly commented that at every stage of his married life he thought
he knew what love meant. “When I got married I thought I loved my wife. But
then, after I was married for a year I mocked what I thought was love. I was
convinced that after being married a year, I had discovered what love meant.
When I was married for five years I made the same observation and thought that
at that point I had surely reached the pinnacle of true love. But a few years
later I made the same observation, and then a few years later I did so again. I
hope Hashem will help me continue to discover what genuine love means for as
long as I live.”
All of the jokes and jest surrounding
marriage essentially stem from our natural selfishness. Marriage, which forces
us to look beyond ourselves, challenges our narcissistic nature and therefore
makes us feel uncomfortable.
It is well-known that while delivering
a eulogy at the funeral of his esteemed wife, Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Aurebach zt’l
emphatically stated that he is not asking his wife for forgiveness because he
is certain that they both have nothing to ask each other forgiveness for. It
was a mind-boggling statement that after being married for so many decades and
going through life together he still was confident that he did not need to ask
her forgiveness “just in case”.
I once read that when someone recounted
those words to Rabbi Shlomo Zalman’s son, Rabbi Shmuel Aurebach shlita, Rabbi
Shmuel was quick to add that no one should think that his parents did not
argue. Rabbi Shlomo Zalman was a very strong-minded person and on occasion he
would voice his views and opinions very emphatically. The greatness of his
parents was that, despite their differences, they never (!) belittled each
other or allowed their disagreements to become personal.
“He does not hearken to our voice.”
“What’s
the question; Mommy, of course!”
[1] one of the joyous meals celebrated during the week
after a marriage
[2] my masters
[3] [From a lecture by Rabbi Shimon Russel L.C.S.W. in Lakewood, N.J.,
delivered on May 22, 2006, entitled “Creating and Preserving harmony in the
home”]
[4] “The wayward and rebellious son is put to death
because of his end…Let him die while he is innocent and let him not die when he
is guilty of committing capitol crimes.” (Sanhedrin 72a).
[5] 21:18
[6] Kol Dodi
_________________________________________________________________
“RABBI’S MUSINGS
(& AMUSINGS)”
Erev Shabbos Kodesh
Parshas Ki Setzei – Pirkei Avos, perakim 1-2
13 Elul 5772/September
1, 2012
One
evening last week, shortly before we returned home from camp, I had
to travel into Brooklyn to be menachem avel a fellow camp administration
member. The trip is normally about an hour and forty five minutes from
East Stroudsburg, PA, in the Poconos to Brooklyn. I took along with
me a car full of people including someone who reassured me that he knew
the directions. To be safe, I also plugged the address into the GPS,
and we set off with confidence. When my navigator in the front seat
dozed off somewhere down Route 80 I turned my attention towards the
GPS.
Of
course, all of you brilliant readers are shaking your heads. But how
was I to know that the GPS was not taking me to Brooklyn via Staten
Island, but through Manhattan? It seems that as far as mileage goes,
Manhattan is the shortest route. No one told the woman inside the GPS
that one must avoid Manhattan at all costs in the late afternoon.
So
we got off the 80 and wound around some streets in scenic Jersey City
where the natives looked as happy to see us as we did to see them. Before
I knew it we were sitting in abysmal traffic waiting to get into the
Holland Tunnel. The way we were moving I think we could have walked
to Holland in less time. By then my navigator woke up and realized what
occurred, but by then we were resigned to our fate.
Dr.
Stephen Covey, in his acclaimed New York Times best-selling book, The
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People writes (habit 2), “To begin
with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your
destination. It means to know where you’re going so that you better
understand where you are now and so that the steps you take are always
in the right direction…It is possible to be busy – very busy- without
being very effective…the carpenter’s rule is, ‘measure twice,
cut once’.”
The
road toward spiritual growth is not easily traversed. There are many
bumps along the curvy and lengthy route, and traveling is arduous at
best. But there are directions that have been pre-posted for us by our
sages which instruct us of the best way to get to our destination. But
we often think we are smarter and wittier and can figure out quicker
ways to get there without all the fuss and struggle. We think we can
tunnel our way to spiritual greatness.
But
in the end we aren’t wiser than Chazal, and, au contraire. There is
a price to pay for every attempted shortcut. More often than not, the
shortest route is not the fastest route.
That’s
part of the reason why we have a full month of Elul to prepare for the
yimei hadin. If we want to take advantage of the opportunity being
afforded to us to renew our lives and our priorities and direction,
we need to chart our course carefully and calculatedly.
By
the grace of Hashem we eventually made it to Brooklyn, despite hitting
more traffic at the Battery Tunnel (and then at the BQE, and Prospect,
and at every corner in Boro Park. Boy, do I love Brooklyn!). The good
thing for us in Elul is that our spiritual destination is a much greater
and blissful destination than Brooklyn.
Shabbat
Shalom & Good Shabbos,
R’ Dani and
Chani Staum
720
Union Road
• New Hempstead, NY 10977 • (845) 362-2425
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