Rabbi
Doniel Staum, LMSW
Rabbi,
Kehillat New Hempstead
Rebbe/Guidance
Counselor – ASHAR
Principal
– Ohr Naftoli- New Windsor
STAM
TORAH
PARSHAS SHELACH
5776
“THE SOUND OF SILENCE”
A
student of Yeshivas Shor Yashuv in Far Rockaway once missed shachris during two
consecutive mornings. Rabbi Shlomo Freifeld zt’l, the venerable Rosh Yeshiva,
approached the student and quipped that he missed him. The student proceeded to
lie about his whereabouts. Rabbi Freifeld did not respond and the conversation
ended there.
Six
months later (!) Rabbi Freifeld approached the student, “Do you remember the
conversation we had about missing shachris six months ago?” The student nodded.
“And do you remember that at the time you said something untrue?” The student
nodded again. The room was silent for a long moment before the student asked,
“Why did Rebbe wait so long to say anything about that?” Rabbi Freifeld
brilliantly replied, “Six months ago you had not yet grown ears. Now you have
ears.”[1]
When the Torah
commences its narrative about the debacle of the spies it opens with G-d’s
words to Moshe, "שלח לך
- send for yourself[2]. Rashi explains
that Moshe was instructed to send out the spies "for your own sake".
In other words, G-d told Moshe that the spies were not necessary, and no good
would come out of sending them.
Even if the
nation had aggressively demanded that spies be sent, G-d could have made it
clear to Moshe that it was an imprudent idea. If G-d knew the disastrous result
of the spies’ mission why did He allow Moshe to proceed with it?
Rabbi Mottel
Katz zt’l[3] explained that
the nation was not on the spiritual level to hear such a response. Even if G-d would
have emphatically told them that it was a bad idea they would not have accepted
it. They would have countered that it is imperative for any nation to gather as
much intelligence as possible before embarking on a mission of conquest and
there was no reason they should be any different. G-d knew that Moshe’s efforts
to dissuade them would be futile.
Rabbi Katz noted
that sometimes educating requires 'not educating'. In other words, at times a
parent or teacher must NOT react. Even though the situation really warrants a
comment or reaction, sometimes it will be counter-productive to react.
The gemara
expresses this idea:[4] "Just as
it is a mitzvah to say something (rebuke) which will be heard and accepted, so
too it is a mitzvah to not say something which will not be heard and
accepted".
Under the circumstances,
there was no recourse but to concede to the nation’s demand, despite the fact
that they were bound for disaster. They had to learn the lesson on their own
and Moshe could not save them from themselves.[5]
This concept is invaluable in
education. Many parents get caught up in the “Parenting Paradox”. They feel that
if they tell, show, and direct their children constantly their children will
listen and improve.
We would like our children to learn
life's lessons easily, and we desperately want to protect our children from the
challenges and frustrations of life. So we instruct our children to listen to
our sagacious advice based on our experience. We hope that in doing so we will
spare them the need to learn the lessons we were forced to learn the hard way.
Our motives are undoubtedly noble.
They reflect the very reason we became parents, to guide our children toward a
happy and fulfilling life. But somewhere along this path we became stuck in the
paradox – “if I don't help you how will you ever learn?” On so many occasions
when we offer to help things get worse, not better.
One of the most important ideas of
education is to train ourselves to bite our tongue and watch and listen. It can
be extremely frustrating to keep quiet, especially when we know our advice can
save untold aggravation. But
the challenge of education is to realize that one learns best from his own
mistakes and we have to give our children room to learn from their own
decisions… and mistakes.
How much
distress and disaster could have been averted if G-d would have told Moshe not
to send the spies. But the young nation did not yet have the ears to hear that
message. They had to make the mistake themselves and suffer the dire
consequences of their decision.
The Mishna[6] states סייג
לחכמה שתיקה" - a fence
(protection) for wisdom is silence”. The Kotzker Rebbe once quipped that the
‘fence’ around wisdom is when one has nothing to say and therefore remains
silent. Wisdom itself is when one has something to say and remains quiet anyway!
Education is not merely about knowing
what to say. More importantly, it’s about knowing when and if to say.
It’s about knowing when it’s best to remain hidden away in the background,
available when approached, but not rushing in unsolicited.
“A mitzvah not to say what
won’t be heard”
“Send for yourself”
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