STAM
TORAH
PARSHAS VAYERA 5781[1]
"GENUINE
CHESSED"
Stam Torah is
lovingly dedicated in memory of my beloved Savta, Shprintza bas Avrohom
Yitzchak, Mrs. Minnie Staum a”h, whose yahrtzeit was this week, 17 Cheshvan.
Rabbi Yaakov Yosef Herman was a
Torah pioneer in America. In his daughter, Rebbitzin Ruchoma Shain’s, inspiring
book about the life of her father, "All for the Boss," she relates
the following story:
Rabbi
Herman and his wife graciously opened their home to guests of all backgrounds.
They dedicated their life to the mitzvah of hachnasas orchim and no there
was always room for food and another guest.
Their
son, Nochum Dovid, was one of the first American bochurim to make the then
arduous trip to Eretz Yisroel to learn in the Chevron Yeshiva. Rebbitzin Herman
was not eager about her beloved son traveling so far, but Rabbi Herman was
adamant.
Rebbitzin Shain writes how she awoke late one
night to the sounds of sobbing. She followed the sound to the kitchen where she
found her mother crying and her father anxiously standing at her side. At first
Rebbitzin Herman didn’t want to relate what was bothering her, but after much
prodding, she explained to her daughter that she had a disturbing dream.
In her dream, she heard heartrending
cries coming from a room. She opened the door of the room and saw that the room
was completely empty, aside for an immense casket on the floor and a chair next
to it. On the chair sat a woman dressed in a long black dress with a black
kerchief covering her head. Even though she was seated it was apparent that she
was extremely tall. It was she who had been weeping. A voice whispered in
Rebbitzin Herman’s ear, "In the casket lies Avrohom Avinu and sitting near
him is Sara Imeinu mourning his death."
Rebbitzin
Shain interjected, "But Mother, the Torah says that Sara passed away
first." Rebbitzin Herman replied, "I know but this is how I dreamed
it. As soon as I heard who they were, I ran into the room and also began to weep
and cry. In my grief, I tore my clothes and shrieked, ‘I will not leave this
room until you promise me that my prayers have been answered.’
"As
I stood there, the top of the casket slid off, and Avrohom Avinu’s face
appeared. His eyes were closed, but tears were coursing down his cheek onto his
long, white beard. Sara Imeinu grasped my hand and said to me, ‘You can go now.
Your prayers have been answered.’"
The
dream had seemed so vivid and real that Rebbitzin Herman still cried and shook
with fear. Rabbi Herman was visibly disturbed but said that seeing righteous
people in a dream is always a good sign. Then Rabbi Herman mentioned that he
wanted Nachum Dovid to return home to get married. Rebbitzin Herman protested
because he was learning so well and was still a bit young. However, Rabbi
Herman’s mind was made up.
Shortly afterwards, Rabbi Herman sent
Nochum Dovid tickets for a ship and told him to come home. Within a few months
of his return, Nochum Dovid was married. Soon after his marriage, they received
reports of the infamous ‘Chevron massacre’. On Shabbos just after Tisha B’av
1929, hordes of Arabs rioted in Chevron, murdering Jews throughout the city.
The Yeshiva was hit the hardest with the blood of innocent bochurim flowing
through the Yeshiva.
After
hearing the devastating news, Rabbi Herman turned to his wife and said,
"Do you remember that dream? It seems that at the time we were being
judged in heaven and because of our meticulousness in the mitzvah of hachnasas
orchim, Avrohom and Sarah came to protect us."
When
the angels came to the home of Lot to inform him of the immanent destruction of
Sedom, the pasuk relates, " He made for them a feast and he baked matzos
for them and they ate."[2] When they
came to Avrohom however, the pasuk says
that Avrohom merely told them, "Take some bread and satiate your
hearts."[3]
Avrohom did not prepare an elaborate feast as Lot did. He did make them a
complete meal but not as lavish as Lot made. Is it possible that Lot reached
greater heights of hachnasas orchim than Avrohom?
A
person has a friend who is sick and bedridden, and he takes out time from his
busy schedule to visit his ailing friend. He walks into the ill friend’s room
and finds that his friend is asleep. He has the choice of leaving a note saying
that he was there and wishes him a refuah sheleimah, or he can
‘accidentally’ make some noise until his friend wakes up.
The difference between these two acts
is the difference between genuine chessed and insincere chessed. In the first
scenario, the man came to visit his friend with altruistic motives. When he saw
that his friend was asleep, he had no inkling to wake him. But the second
person also has some selfish motives. He feels badly that his friend is sick,
but he also wants his friend to know that he came so his ailing friend knows
that he’s a good guy. Therefore, he makes sure to wake him up.
The
Gemara[4] relates,
"There are three identifying marks of this nation (Klal Yisroel): they are
merciful, bashful, and perform acts of kindness." The list seems to be out
of order. Mercy and acts of kindness are performed by one person for another
person but being bashful is a trait that affects man’s relationship with G-d
and not others, so why is it listed between the other two?
Chazal
are teaching us that even in our performance of chessed, we must have a certain
measure of bashfulness. Even when one has the opportunity to do chessed, he
should strive to do so with modesty, without making an ostentatious production
out of it. One should maintain a modicum of bashfulness in order to preserve the
dignity of the recipient.
The
Mesillas Yesharim refers to this as ‘mishkal hachasidus- the balance of
piety’. Even when performing a good deed, one must maintain a sense of balance
to ensure that no one is being negatively impacted by his good deed.
Rav
Avrohom Pam zt’l offered two examples of this concept: A couple goes to a
wedding and hires a babysitter to remain home with their younger children. If
the couple stays late, they may be fulfilling the mitzvah of bringing joy to
the chosson and kallah, but it’s at the babysitter’s expense. If a woman works
hard to cook supper for her husband and the husband shows up three hours late
without calling and says that he went to drive his friend to the airport, it
was a nice deed, but it was at his wife’s expense.
It
may be true that Lot performed acts of chessed but he had ulterior motives.
When the angels appeared to Lot, they appeared in their true form - as angels.
Chazal say that on the day the angels appeared, Lot was appointed to be the
Supreme Court Justice in Sedom. Therefore, he busied himself to prepare a
lavish feast to show how careful he was to perform chessed.
Avrohom
on the other hand, did chessed for the sake of chessed. The angels appeared to
him as bedouins. Yet, he prepared an expensive and lavish meal for them.
Avrohom was not interested in fanfare or dinners being made in his honor. He
did chessed because he loved people and sincerely wanted to help them.
The
difference between Lot and Avrohom is the difference between great people and
little people: Great people worry about little things; little people only worry
about great things.
“Take some bread and satiate your
hearts”
“Merciful, bashful, and perform acts
of kindness”
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