Rabbi
Doniel Staum, LMSW
Rabbi,
Kehillat New Hempstead
Social
Worker, Yeshiva Bais Hachinuch/ASHAR
STAM
TORAH
PARSHAS
TETZAVEH 5774
“TO
ASCEND ON ITS OWN”
“Suppose, for example, that I am highly over-reactive
to my children. Suppose that whenever they begin to do something that I feel is
inappropriate, I sense an immediate tensing in the pit of my stomach. I feel
defensive walls going up, I prepare for battle. My focus is not on the
long-term growth and understanding but on the short-term behavior. I’m trying
to win the battle, not the war.
“I pull out my ammunition- my superior size, my
position of authority – and I yell or intimidate or I threaten or punish. And I
win. I stand there, victorious, in the middle of the debris of a shattered
relationship while my children are outwardly submissive and inwardly
rebellious, suppressing feelings that will come out later in uglier ways.”[1]
“You shall command the B’nei Yisroel that they shall take for you pure,
pressed olives for illumination, to cause the candle to go up constantly.”[2] Rashi[3]
explains that the verse utilizes an unusual expression – to cause the candle to
‘go up constantly’ – to demonstrate that the kohain had to use quality wicks
and oils that would ensure that the flame would ascend on its own.[4]
Me’or V’shemesh notes that this mitzvah is symbolic of a parent/rebbe’s
obligation to educate their children in the ways of Torah and mitzvos. Their
goal is to sufficiently inspire, and cause the flame within the soul of their
students and children to ascend on its own, so that they will not require any
exterior or added motivation.
The Chofetz Chaim would dolefully note that there are some fathers who
limit themselves to teaching their children a little chumash, and some other
basic Torah knowledge. They then invest the bulk of their energy teaching their
children other matters. When asked about their children’s ultimate connection
with Torah and Judiasm, they reply that their children were raised in good
Jewish homes with good Torah values, so they have little fear that their children
will develop into anything but good Torah Jews.
However, this is a tragic mistake. Both a fire and a pot of boiling
water heated atop a fire are scorching hot and can burn someone. The difference
is that no matter where the fire is transferred to it will retain its heat. The
boiling pot however, only remains boiling so long as it is atop the fire. Once
it is removed from the fire it immediately begins to cool.
In addition, one can continue lighting other fires from a fire, and it
will not diminish the strength of the original fire. The pot however, no matter
how hot it is, if the water inside the pot is poured into another vessel, it
will cool significantly, and if poured into a third vessel it will cool even
more.
The same holds true in regards to the education of one’s children. The
Torah is analogous to fire[5], a
fire which penetrates the hearts of those who study it. If one achieves some
mastery in Torah through great effort and study, the fire of Torah begins to
burn within him. That fire has the power, not only to warm him spiritually, but
it can also light up the hearts of others, including his own children and
grandchildren.
But if one doesn’t invest much effort in teaching his children Torah,
reasoning that his children will appreciate Torah and its values through
osmosis of his home and community, that is like a pot heated by an external
flame. The pot can indeed become boiling hot, but that heat is external and
will only last as long as it is in close proximity to the fire.
A child raised in a Torah environment, albeit without much exposure to
Torah study and understanding, is not so secure. He is in great danger of
forfeiting all he has gained when he will be tempted and challenged by the
aesthetic and sometimes spiritually sinister luring of the society
surrounding.
To prevent that danger, concludes the Chofetz Chaim, a parent must
ensure that he has given his child the ability for their internal flame to
ascend on its own, not merely to be heated with external heat.
Rav Samson Rafael Hirsch similarly explains that the job of a Torah
teacher is to ultimately make himself superfluous. His ultimate goal is that
his student will reach such love and achievement in Torah that he will feel
connected to it even without the direct involvement of his teachers.
In regards to education, the verse from Mishlei[6] is often quoted: “Chanoch
linar al pi darko – educate a child according to his way”. But the latter
half of the verse is often forgotten: “gam ki yazkin lo yasur mimenu –
even when he becomes old he will not deviate from it.”
Shlomo
Hamalech is noting that chinuch is not just about compliance, but about
instilling values into our children’s souls, so that it becomes part of them
for life.
It
is all too easy for a parent/teacher to become caught up in the heat of the
moment, and to focus on the short-term issue, and lose sight of the long-term
education that needs to occur. In fact, parents need to constantly take stock
of each of their children’s growth, and contemplate whether they - as parents –
are doing enough to build and foster the innate uniqueness of their child.
Parenting
is never easy, and very often it’s downright overwhelming. But we must maintain
the hopes and dreams we originally had for our children when we began as
parents – to build the next generation of Klal Yisroel. The only way to do that
is by constantly ensuring that the fires within each child are ascending on
their own.
“To cause the candle to go up constantly”
“Even when he becomes old he will not deviate from it.”
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