Rabbi Doniel Staum, LMSW
Rabbi, Kehillat New Hempstead
Rebbe/Guidance Counselor –
ASHAR
Principal – Ohr Naftoli-
New Windsor
STAM TORAH
PARSHAS BEREISHIS 5775
“SETTING LIMITS”
“Isn’t it ironic that kids
whose parents fail to set and enforce limits feel unloved and angry? Although
they tend to test and protest, we have learned over and over again that limits
are what kids really want. Invariably, when we talk with out-of-control
teenagers or adults who were juvenile delinquents and lucky enough to survive,
we ask them, “If you could go back to when you were a child, what would you
change?” Most of them say something like, “I wish my parents had reeled me in
when I was a kid. Why didn’t they make me behave?”
“A counselor we know sat
down with a teenager we know who led a pretty rough life. She had been… in
trouble with the law. She went on to describe how she had smoked… with her dad
as a ten-year old. When the counselor asked her what she thought about it, her
eyes lit up with rage and she said, “I hate him!” Surprised, the counselor
said, “You had so much freedom. Why do you hate your father?” Even more
surprised, the teen responded, “I hate him ‘cause he let me do anything I
wanted. He never made me behave. Look at me now!”…..
“If you want your
children to have internal controls and inner freedom, you must first provide
them with external controls. A child who is given boundaries, and choices
within those boundaries, is actually freer to be creative, inventive, active, and
insightful. How you expose your kids to the life around them – how you
encourage them to use their creativity within limits, by using yours – is key
to developing their personal identity and freedom. Setting limits does not
discourage inventiveness. The world is full of limits within which we must
all live. Give your children a gift. Teach them how to be creative within these
limits.”[1]
“In the beginning of G-d’s
creating…..G-d saw that the light was good…And there was evening and there was
morning, one day.
“…And the earth brought forth
vegetation… And G-d saw that it was good… And there was evening and there was
morning, a third day.
“…Let there be luminaries in
the firmament of the heaven… And G-d saw that it was good. And there was
evening and there was morning, a fourth day.
“…Let the waters teem with
living creatures, and fowl that fly… And G-d saw that it was good. And there
was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.
“…Let the earth bring forth
living creatures…And G-d saw that it was good…Let us make man…And G-d saw all
that He had made, and behold it was very good. And there was evening and
there was morning, a sixth day.”
The Medrash[2]
discusses the difference between what the Torah deems “good” (throughout the
six days of creation) and what the Torah deems “very good” (after the creation
of man). The Medrash offers a few explanations: “’Very good’ refers to sleep,
because when one sleeps a little he is able to toil exceedingly in Torah study.
“Good” refers to when things are going well; “very good” refers to affliction.
“Good” refers to the Garden Eden
This Medrash is perplexing. How
can all of the pleasantries of life be referred to as ‘good’ while all of the
dreaded facets of life be referred to as, “very good”?
The idea that this Medrash is
espousing contains the basis for the implosion and unraveling of Western
Society. When a society does not know how to set limits and “Just say No” then
it is doomed to failure. The mighty empire of Rome
Our permissive society seems to
be heading down that same slippery slope. All agree that, “we need change”. It
has become the mantra and battle cry of all political parties. The disagreement
is about what change is necessary. There is nothing that can salvage and save a
morally bankrupt society except for the implementation of morals and restraint.
Sadly, all of the vapid ideas that we hear presented will do little to stem
this trend.
Blessings are wonderful and we
all pray that we merit a life of goodness and prosperity. But if one does not
know how to handle the blessings he is granted, they can quickly become the most
detrimental forces in a person’s life.
My Rebbe, Rabbi Berel Wein,
often quips: “I have been in the Rabbinate now for many decades. In that time I
have seen how money can rip apart families, destroy parents and children, best
friends, even grandparents and grandchildren. So everyone says, ‘let me blessed
me with that curse’. But I am witness to the fact that it is indeed often the
greatest curse.”
When “good” is unbridled and
without limit, it can have the most disastrous results. Within one thousand
years of creation, in the generation of Noach, the world had sunk into spiritual
bankruptcy beyond rectification. There was no longer any respect for people or
property. The only thing that mattered was money, gratification, and
indulgence. The world, which G-d founded on kindness and giving, could not continue
to exist when its inhabitants became completely self-absorbed. The only hope for
life and mankind was for that world to be destroyed and begun anew.
For the “good” of life to truly
be positive forces there must be built in restraints and protections so that
one does not lose themselves in that good. It is only with those protective
barriers that “good” becomes “very good”. Surely no one wants to suffer, but it
is only because there challenges that we are able to appreciate our health and
our wellbeing.
If man never needed to stop and
rest, he would quickly forget his fragility and vulnerability. His need for
sleep constantly reminds him that he is a temporal being with a mission to
fulfill.
The creation of the world is
the first subject read when the new cycle of Torah-reading begins. The lesson
of what is “good” and what is “very good” touches on the greatness and centrality
of Torah in our lives. Without the precise boundaries and guidelines that the
Torah dictates regarding every aspect of our lives, we would be unable to enjoy
the wondrous and majestic creation that G-d created during those first six
days.
If it can be eloquently said
regarding child-rearing that, “If you want your children to have internal controls
and inner freedom, you must first provide them with external controls”, it is
surely true regarding life in general. If we want to have internal control and
inner freedom, we must be meticulous to follow the ‘controls’ that the Torah
provides.
“G-d saw that it was good… There
was evening and there was morning”
“G-d saw all that He had made,
and behold it was very good”
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